Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize