Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sorry about my life...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
