i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
