I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
