I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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