update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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