Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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