This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
