hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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