I want to have your abortion
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
