Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
