She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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