I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
