the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
