Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Randomize
