Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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