You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
