I think I won the penis lottery.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize