I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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