ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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