hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
