No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize