just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
