just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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