running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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