Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize