Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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