when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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