My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I love having hate sex.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
