my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
