Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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