I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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