omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
