dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
