That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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