This is not my ceiling
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
