Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
