I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
