i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
