I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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