In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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