it was like his penis was on wheels.
love makes seman taste better
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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