On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize