I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
