you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize