Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dick very happy bro
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
