Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
nutella sex= disaster
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
a search helicopter?!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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