You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
