yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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