walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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