I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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