apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
