When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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