Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
