The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
