Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
