On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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