ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
