Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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